This morning I woke up and everything made me upset.
- Lunch not made
- I am not sleeping
- Dishes in the sink
- toys on the floor
- no pancakes
- My partner is Sleeping
- Police murder black people and get away with it
- low bank account balance
- missing my old life before the kid and the partner
- the pen stain on our white chairs
- The lack of bike storage in our apartment
- Feeling alone in all this
- my student loan debt
- Peyton taking too long to get dressed
- my broken electric toothbrush
- I'm going to be late
- I stubbed my toe on a Doc Mcstuffins
- I'm so tired
- Peyton's braids are two weeks over due to be taken out
- The feeling of loneliness while never being actually alone
- Peyton repeating kindergarten
- no shoe storage
- not enough time for me to do things I want to do
- How expensive summer camp is
- Peyton peed the bed again
- There is so much in my head I know I'm forgeting something
- the smelly laundry
- I want a burger
- Knowing that I would have to take Peyton to school, leave work early, travel to Brooklyn, take her to the doctor in Manhattan, buy groceries, make dinner, do laundry, help her practice the violin, reading, help her work in her journal...
and the list goes on. Some days are crushing. Some days I lose my temper. Some days I think about traveling to live on Tristan Da Cunha.
But there is help. And these days are less than they are more for me. For me a breather in the crazy looks like a yoga class, or running, or running away to Miami for a weekend with my best friend. It's binge watching The Office or asking my mom for help. It's not watching the news for a week, skipping violin practice, reading a book, crying over ice cream, crying over fries, confiding in my group chat, eating sushi, writing this blog post, Therapy.
I think the loneliness comes from you keeping it all to yourself. It becomes so powerful stuck there in your head. In your head all alone it takes up space, its seems big and unmanageable.
So, I talk to my sisters or my friends and vent and they almost always calm the overwhelming-ness of it all. And because taking care of yourself doesn't at least for me mean a manicure I seek therapy because motherhood especially black motherhood and life and all the stuff are hard.
This morning was hard and this afternoon was hard because all I thought about was this morning BUT I have tonight to consider my tone with Peyton, to make a plan to make tomorrow better, to confirm my appointment with my therapist, I have tonight to forgive myself for not having all the stuff done. None of the things that made me upset this morning might change tomorrow but at least now I have time to breath and write and reflect. I have the privilege of a loving partner who I can ask for more help and a support system that takes the form of group chats and mommy groups.
I don't think I'm writing this because I have a magic solution. I am writing this because I know I'm not alone in these feelings and Motherhood isn't always pretty or curated or fun. Sometimes it's hard, really hard and lonely.
but I am here.